WIND

THE WINDS OF CHANGE

Allen Lyne

8 Redgate Court

Moana Heights

South Australia 5169

Ph (08) 8 327 4142

bear@senet.com.au

MUSIC UP. SPOT ON SEAN DARGIE CRACKING SAFE.

HE SUCCEEDS. GRINS TRIUMPHANTLY AT AUDIENCE.

SAFE DOOR SLAMS ON HIS FINGER. BLACKOUT. FAINT

LIGHT UP ON ACTING AREA. DARGIE AND CRUNT BACK

FURTIVELY ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL THEY BUMP INTO

ONE ANOTHER. BLACKOUT. SYLVIA SMART CHASES A

GUINEA PIG ACROSS LABORATORY WITH A BUTTERFLY

NET. SHE CHASES IT OFF STAGE. CRASH. SYLVIA

RETURNS WITH ASIO AGENT IN NET. BLACKOUT. POLICE

PERSON SPLATT AND FARMER BROWN APPEAR IN

WINDOW. A COW APPEARS BETWEEN THEM THERE IS A

MASSIVE FART. BLACKOUT. ADOLPH HITLER APPEARS IN

A SPOTLIGHT. FART BLACKOUT. MUSIC ENDS

FAINT LIGHT ON OFFICE. BIRDIES TWITTER. IT IS EARLY

EVENING.THE CLOCK ON THE WALL SHOWS SEVEN

O'CLOCK. IT STRIKES THIRTEEN TIMES. SEAN DARGIE

ENTERS THROUGH THE WINDOW.HE IS DRESSED IN BLACK

TROUSERS AND SKIVVY WITH A BLACK BALACLAVA OVER

HIS FACE. MOVES TO DESK WITH FLASH LIGHT. SWITCHES

ON DESK LAMP. MOVES TO SAFE AND FIDDLES. CRACKS

COMBINATION AND REMOVES PAPERS FROM SAFE.

SOUNDS OF LOCKS OF MANY KINDS BEING UNLOCKED,

CHAINS REMOVED, BOLTS BEING DRAWN. DARGIE HIDES

THE PAPERS IN A VASE.LOOKS FOR A WAY OUT. RUNS

THROUGH OFFICE INTO LABORATORY. OPENS DOOR AND

FLASHES TORCH. DOUBLETAKES, SLAMS DOOR AND RUNS

TO CURTAINS UPSTAGE. PULLS CURTAINS BACK AND

DISCOVERS ASIO AGENT HIDING THERE. DARGIE RUNS

BACK INTO THE OFFICE AND DIVES OUT WINDOW AS THE

LAST BOLT IS DRAWN AND DOCTOR SYLVIA SMART ENTERS.

SOUND OF LARGE DOGS AND SCREAM. SYLVIA LOOKS OUT

OF THE WINDOW, SEES NOTHING AND SHRUGS. SHE MOVES

INTO THE LABORATORY AND SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT. SHE

CHECKS THROUGH THE DOOR. SATISFIED SHE MOVES TO

HER DESK AND STARTS WORK. SHE OPENS A DRAWER AND

TAKES OUT TWO ANTHRAX INFECTED HANDS. THERE IS A

FLASH AS THE ASIO AGENT TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH. SYLVIA

TURNS TOWARDS THE DRAPES AND SEES NOTHING.

SLIGHTLY BEMUSED SHE RESUMES WORK PUNCTURING

ANTHRAX BLISTERS AND TRANSFERRING PUS ONTO SLIDES.

COLONEL FIG ENTERS WITH AN OPEN CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

AND MOVES TO THE DESK. SYLVIA TAKES TWO BEAKERS

FROM A DRAWER. FIG POURS CHAMPAGNE.THEY STARE AT

ONE ANOTHER, GLASSES RAISED.

Fig

Burpenfart

Sylvia

Burpenfart

Fig

I supervised the loading myself.

Sylvia

You are a very conscientious man

Fig

A handy trait I picked up from my school teachers.

We should celebrate project Burpenfart's completion

with something more substantial than a bottle of champagne.

Come on, let's paint the town red.

Sylvia

In Bourke? There's nothing to paint but the fence posts.

Fig

You don't understand what we could mean to each other.

Sylvia

Get up and stop grovelling on the floor. I hate it when you do that.

Fig

Forgive me. I've been unhappy since my wife left.

Sylvia

What became of her?

Fig

She ran off with the local parish priest.

Sylvia

Oh!

Fig

The shame of it. And she an Anglican. Not that it mattered

I never loved her. Made me determined never to trust an

Irish Catholic again.

Sylvia

Well, water under the bridge.

FIG BEGINS TO CHASE SYLVIA AROUND THE DESK.

Fig

With you it could be different. Oh, I know there's twenty years

between us, but it wouldn't matter. Think of it, a marriage

between two really great minds. A brilliant administrative brain

like mine coupled with your scientific genius. Together we could

conquer the world.

FIG GIVES UP. HE IS WINDED.

Sylvia

I have all the worlds I want right here in this laboratory. Really

Colonel Fig, I must insist that you cease these silly emotional

displays.

Fig

Forgive me, doctor Smart. Forgive me, dear, devoted colleague.

Sylvia

You must miss your wife very much.

Fig

Not really, but she was all I had. You consider me too old for you?

Sylvia

My school girl days are far behind me, colonel

Fig

Not so far.

Sylvia

You come from a forgotten era of gallantry. Do you still see yourself

as the dashing subaltern?

Fig

I didn't do my share of dashing and there's the rub. I married young

to enhance my career prospects. Now my wife has gone I find it

impossible to know how to act in situations of potential seduction.

Sylvia

Your wife may yet return to you.

Fig

I doubt it. She's a very determined woman.

Fig

You are well advanced with the burpenfart antidote?

Sylvia

It is almost finished.

Fig

Yet you have already started on the Anthrax project?

Sylvia

When these hands arrived this morning, I became enthusiastic.

HE IDLY PICKS UP A HAND AND WAVES IT AT SYLVIA.

Fig

Brilliant, but undisciplined.

Sylvia

That is most unfair. I will not have you impugn me on the grounds

of lack of discipline.

Fig

But my dear Doctor, you did start work on the Anthrax project

before completing the Burpenfart antidote.

Sylvia

In my own time, Colonel Fig. In my own time. It is many hours

since my working day officially ended.

Fig

Once again I am forced to beg your pardon. We are so much

alike in so many ways.

FIG EXITS. THE ASIO AGENT COMES FROM BEHIND

THE DRAPES AND BRIEFLY INVESTIGATES THE

ROOM. OPENS DOOR STAGE RIGHT AND EXITS.

VOICE-OFF

"WHAT'S THIS? NO LIGHTS. HELLO A BARRED DOOR.

WHAT'S IN HERE?"

SOUND OF DOOR OPENING. GRUNTS. SCREAMS. SOUND

OF LARGE ANIMAL FEEDING. A HUMAN THIGH BONE IS

THROWN ONSTAGE. 2001 THEME. BLACKOUT.

CRUNT IS ATTEMPTING TO CRACK THE SAFE. DARGIE

ENTERS BEHIND HIM. HE POKES A FINGER INTO CRUNT'S BACK.

Dargie

Dropa da gun. Now turn around. Who are a you?

Crunt

I'm a priest looking for communion. Do you require any?

Dargie

I'm not a catholic.

Crunt

That's my gun.

Dargie

I didn't have a one of my own, eh.

Crunt

I knew that!

Dargie

Why does a priest carry a gun?

Crunt

Communion can be rough sometimes.

Dargie

Who are a you?

Crunt

Crunt.

Dargie

Mama Mia, you don't a like a yourself?

Crunt

Mike Crunt. ASIOs top agent.

Dargie

Really?

Crunt

No-one listens. When I was in the army, every time an officer

asked my name I'd finish up on a charge. They used to say

"Why did you call this officer a Crunt, Crunt? I appeal to your

patriotism as an Australian, give me back my gun and don't tell

your boss I'm here.

Dargie

I don't a work here, eh. My name is Antonio Dargie. Investigative

journalist for the Leftish News. D notice defying monthly

newspaper for the Australian Intelligentsia.

Crunt

You have a low circulation.

Dargie

But a high blood pressure... Maybe you a know what goes on around

here, huh?

Crunt

They make fine fertilizers.

Dargie

No one can buy the fertilizers here.

Crunt

This factory produces for the export market.

Dargie

That's a lotta shit.

Crunt

Right on...! Give me back my gun and I'll tell you what

does go on around here.

Dargie

You tell a me anyway.

Crunt

I'll die first. (Dargie cocks the gun) It's a top secret plant

producing chemical and biological weapons for the Australian

government. Produced a very good line in bubonic plague last

year. Lately they've been working on project Burpenfart, which

makes people do just that. Next up it's a more virulent form of

Anthrax.

Dargie

Burpenfart?

Crunt

It reduces morale without destroying buildings.

Dargie

Go on.

Crunt

That's all I know.

Dargie

What you do here?

Crunt

A senior staff member is suspected of commie tendencies.

Give me back my gun and I'll get you your story.

Dargie

You'd a do that?

Crunt

Would an ASIO agent lie?

THEY SHAKE HANDS. CRUNT ATTEMPTS A JUDO

THROW AND STRAINSHIS BACK. THEY SHAKE AGAIN.

CRUNT EXITS THROUGH WINDOW. SOUND OF LARGE

DOGS AND SCREAMS. CRUNT CLIMBS BACK IN WITH

BLOOD ON HIS FACE. DARGIE MOVES THROUGH INTO

THE OFFICE. HE TAKES THE PAPERS FROM THE VASE

AND BEGINS TO READ. SOUNDS OF LOCKS AS BEFORE.

DARGIE REPLACES PAPERS IN VASE AND DIVES OUT

WINDOW. SOUND OF DOGS AND SCREAM. FIG ENTERS.

CROSSES TO WINDOW AND CLOSES IT. SYLVIA ENTERS

AND SURPRISES HIM. GOOD MORNINGS ARE EXCHANGED.

CRUNT HIDES BEHIND THE CURTAINS IN THE

LABORATORY. THE CLOCK STRIKES FOURTEEN AS SYLVIA

ENTERS THE LABORATORY AND STARTS WORK. SHE SPOTS

THE THIGH BONE.

Sylvia

Boris, have you been throwing your din dins around again?

A LARGE BEAR COMES THROUGH THE DOOR, RIGHT.

IT GRABS SYLVIA FROM BEHIND AND BEGINS TO MOLEST

HER.

Sylvia

Fig... Fig... Help.

Fig

What's wrong, Doctor Smart?

Sylvia

Help!

Fig

Can't it wait? I'm busy.

Sylvia

Help... Bear... Rape.

Fig

Tell him you have a headache.

Sylvia

Help!!!

FIG ENTERS THE LABORATORY WITH A STOOL AND

WHIP. HE WHIPS BORIS BACK TOWARD THE ROOM.

THERE IS A FLASH AS CRUNT TAKES A PHOTO. THE

THREE OF THEM PAUSE CLOSE TO THE DOORWAY.

THEY ALL LOOK TOWARD THE CURTAINS. SYLVIA

LOOKS AT FIG WHO SHRUGS. SYLVIA SHRUGS. THEY

BOTH LOOK AT THE BEAR WHO SHRUGS. FIG

CONTINUES AND WHIPS BORIS OUT OF THE

LABORATORY. SOUND OF CAGE BEING LOCKED.

FIG RE-ENTERS.

Fig

How the devil....

Sylvia

I don't know. (Proffers thigh bone)

Fig

Oh my God. Anyone we know?

Sylvia

Hard to tell.

Fig

I'll check the staff. Are you okay?

Sylvia

Yes. Perfectly.

Fig

Boris didn't...?

Sylvia

No. He thinks I'm his mother. Colonel, I must say

you were most awfully brave.

Fig

It was nothing. (moves toward the door. pauses in

doorway to strike pose) We soldiers are trained in heroics.

FIG MARCHES FROM THE ROOM.

SYLVIA RESUMES WORK AT HER DESK. SHE TAKES

A GUINEA PIG FROM A DRAWER, FILLS A SYRINGE,

INJECTS THE PIG. IT BURPS AND FARTS. SYLVIA

PULLS OUT SEVERAL BOTTLES, MIXES LIQUIDS,

FILLS ANOTHER SYRINGE.

Sylvia

Now, little piggy, this should be the antidote.

SYLVIA INJECTS THE PIG. IT BURPS AND FARTS

APPRECIABLY LOUDER.

Sylvia

Hmmm, not quite.

CRUNT HAS COME FROM BEHIND THE CURTAINS

TO SEE WHAT SYLVIA IS DOING. HE BUMPS INTO

THE FURNITURE.

Sylvia

Who are you?

Crunt

A defrocked priest.

Sylvia

Why are you wearing that collar?

Crunt

Force of habit... I'm on the run from the Marist Brothers.

(The guinea pig farts) Could we open a window? It's a

bit close in here.

Sylvia

You shouldn't be here.

Crunt

That's what Mother Superior said.

THE GUINEA PIG BURPS.

Sylvia

If you're really a priest, why are you wearing dark glasses

and a trench coat?

Crunt

Disguise.

Sylvia

I don't have time to mess around. State your business or get out.

Crunt

Oh, a tough broad, huh?

CRUNT MOVES TOWARD SYLVIA. SHE THROWS HIM

IN A PERFECT JUDO THROW. THE GUINEA PIG FARTS.

Sylvia

I said I don't have time to mess around... Who are you?

Crunt

Crunt.

Sylvia

There's no need to be crude.

Crunt

I'm Mike Crunt, ASIOs top agent and this cannon says I ask

the questions. Got it?

SYLVIA DISARMS HIM AND THROWS HIM TO ONE

SIDE OF THE ROOM AND HIS GUN TO THE OTHER.

Sylvia

I don't have time to mess around. (The guinea pig farts and burps)

Tell me who you are or I'll have to get heavy.

Crunt

I really am an ASIO spy. Mike Crunt. My card.

Sylvia

Denture repairs? Pick up and deliver.

CRUNT HANDS HER ANOTHER CARD.

Sylvia

Mike Crunt. ASIOs top man. Also, songs sung outside your lover's

window after hours?

Crunt

We have to moonlight. Our pay is a pittance.

Sylvia

What are you doing creeping around in here?

Crunt

It's Fig I'm after.

Sylvia

Colonel Fig?

Crunt

Okay, it's Colonel Fig I'm after.

Sylvia

Fig?

Crunt

Make up your mind. Fig. Colonel Earnest Fig late of the Fourth

Australian Light Archers. Several years ago I served under his

command in Adelaide. I discovered him having secret meetings

with a KGB spy in the back stalls at the Roma Cinema. I blew

the whistle on him.

Sylvia

Fig is an ardent anti communist,

Crunt

That's his cover. Your laboratory is bugged. I overheard your

conversation yesterday. Fig was probing for cracks in your

ideological armour. What did he say? (flicks notebook)

We'll paint the town red? Fig disappeared shortly after I

exposed him in the Roma Cinema. ASIO hired me as a

full time spy specifically to crack the case of the disappearing Fig.

Sylvia

You will arrest him?

Crunt

Not just yet. First I want to know exactly what he's up to. Under

the official secrets act, I'm ordering you not to let on to anyone

that I'm here. You dig?

Sylvia

I don't give a Fig. Just keep out of my way while I'm working.

Understand?

Crunt

We got a deal. I'll just snoop around a little. Catch him off guard,

red handed, in the act, with his pants down and various other clichés.

PHONE RINGS.

Sylvia

Yes... Doctor who...? Which Doctor...? Yes... I am she. The truck

has cr.... The Burpen... fertilizer is alright? Don't let anyone touch

anything. I'll be right there. (replaces phone) I have to go out for

awhile. Don't snoop around in here. You could come down with a

terrible case of anthrax or bubonic plague.

SYLVIA EXITS. THE GUINEA PIG FARTS. CRUNT BEGINS

TO EXAMINE THINGS. HE HOLDS THE GUINEA PIG CAGE

IN ONE HAND AS HE OPENS A DRAWER AND PULLS OUT

A BEATING HUMAN HEART. HE STARES AT IT AS THE

LIGHT FADES. SONG: YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART.

Will Boris marry Sylvia? Will Crunt live down his name? Who gives a Fig?

If you want to know how this loopy play pans out; drop me a line and let me know you are interested in producing it.