THE TERRIBLE TALE OF RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE
© Allen Lyne
PIRATE MUSIC. RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE ENTERS
WAVING HIS SWORD
Avast there ye lubbers. Swash swash buckle buckle
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, fifteen men on a dead
man’s chest. Pieces of eight. You’ll never guess what
I am. A pirate? How did you guess? Me name’s Red Dog
and I’m a very irate pirate. Do you know what irate means?
It means angry and I’m angry lots of the time. In fact I feel an
angry attack coming on and when I have an angry attack
everyone better look out. (Shouts) I’m a very very angry
very very irate pirate.
SONG: RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE.
Now you listen to me and I’ll tell you all a little story about
how I come to be here today. It’s a story of shipwreck
and pirates and buried treasure and deserted islands
and rum and all those usual things you find in a pirate story.
Many years ago, I almost had me hands on a weighty lot
of booty. You know what booty is? Treasure. More gold
than you can imagine. And jewels, and silver and
diamonds. Oh, if only I’d got me hands on it I’d’ve been
rich, rich I tell you. Well, we sailed our ship, The Turtle,
across the six -- or is it seven --? Seas and we come to
the island we were looking for. Mud Crab Island it be
called. There were a big fight on the ship between me
and the skipper of the Turtle, old Captain Kelly. I had an
argument about something with Kelly and I finished up
having an angry attack and he and some of our
shipmates took one of the life boats off the Turtle and
escaped from the island. Shiver me timbers and batten
down the hatches, we searched and searched for that
treasure for months. Do you think we could find it?
In the end, right in the middle of the island we found a
big hole that had been dug and a note saying, “Ha Ha,
I’ve taken all the treasure, signed Captain Kelly.” See?
Here it is. The note he left in the hole. I’ve carried it with
me now for all these years while I’ve searched for Captain
Kelly. I’ve searched all over the four continents of the world.
Or is it five? I’ve searched and searched for years and
finally here I am in
friend of mine that Kelly is here. Right here somewhere
in Adelaide. Let me tell you that if I find him he’ll be for it.
I’ll make him walk the plank if I get me hands on him.
Oh, if only I could find that lubber Kelly. I’d make mince
meat out of him. (Shouts) I think I’m going to have an
REPRISE CHORUS OF RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE.
RED DOG EXITS. CAPTAIN KELLY ENTERS. HE
MOTIONS THE AUDIENCE TO BE VERY QUIET.
Sssssssssshhhhh! I’m hiding from a mean, nasty,
evil, rotten pirate. You’ll never guess what his name is.
Can you guess? Red Dog! Have you seen him? Oh
no. If he catches me he’s going to make me walk the
plank. Do you know why he’s looking for me? Let me
tell you the story. Years ago I was captain of the Turtle.
A pirate ship that sailed the seven seas looking for
treasure. One day an old sailor, who was so old he
couldn’t go to sea no more, he sold me a map showing
where there was a fortune in treasure buried on Mud
Crab Island. That’s an island that is far,far away across
the six -- or is it seven -- seas? I set sail in The Turtle to
seek out the buried treasure on Mud-Crab island and Red
Dog was me first mate. We got to the island about sunset
and dropped anchor in a little bay off the coast of Mud-Crab
island. That night as I took a stroll on the deck of The Turtle
before going to bed, I overheard Red Dog and some other
pirates plotting to steal all the treasure once we’d dug it up.
He was going to make me and some of the others walk the
plank. Well I got the rest of the crew together and we pushed
off in one of the boats, and in the dead of night by the light of a
candle, we found the buried treasure and loaded it into our boat.
We set sail in our little boat and we finished up here in Adelaide.
I would have liked to see that Red Dog’s face when he found out
e were gone. Oho, I bet he had one of his angry attacks. He gets
very irate. That’s why they call him Red Dog the irate pirate. We
sailed here to Adelaide, and I paid the rest of the pirates off and
they all joined other ships and sailed away. I decided that
it was about time for me to leave the sea. Me ship was gone to
that rascal Red Dog, and I didn’t want to bother about buying
another one. Besides, I’ve got a secret that I’ve never told anyone.
Can you all keep a secret? I’m not really very brave. I don’t really
like fighting and all those other things that pirates are supposed to
be good at. That Red Dog is such a mean, irate pirate that he
scares me silly. Especially when he has one of his angry attacks.
But he mustn’t find out that I’m really scared of him. You won’t tell
him, will you? Good. Now I happen to know that Red Dog is scared
of something too. Do you know what it is? He can’t stand echoes. If
he hears an echo he thinks he’s going crazy. Now Red Dog’s likely to
come by here any time, so I want you to help me. Will you help me?
Alright, you’re a good and friendly lot for a bunch of land lubbers. Now
here’s what we’ll do. Red Dog is very fond of the sound of his own
name. In fact, any time he’s talking to anyone he always says Red Dog
several times in a conversation. Every time he says Red Dog, I want
you to shout out Red Dog at him. Will you do that? Let’s have a
practice. (They practice) Alright, you must only shout Red Dog at him
after he says his name. Keep it a secret and we’ll trick him if he
happens to come by here.
V/O Red Dog
vast there, and where’s that lubber Captain Kelly. Where is he?
Oh no. That sounds like him
V/O Red Dog
I’m a very very irate pirate and I want that treasure stealing
lubber Kelly. Where are you, Kelly? I’m having an angry attack.
What will I do? I’ll hide behind this chest here.
KELLY HIDES BEHIND THE CHEST. RED DOG ENTERS.
Where is he? I hear tell that Kelly was seen coming in this
direction. Where are you, Kelly? Show yourself you cowardly
old curmudgeon. Have you lot of lubbers seen him? Maybe
you have and maybe you haven’t. Let me see, if I were to
hide around here some place, where would I hide? I’d
probably hide behind that sea chest.
HE GOES TO THE SEA CHEST AND BEGINS TO CRAWL
AROUND IT. KELLY CRAWLS JUST IN FRONT OF HIM
AND THEY COMPLETE A COUPLE OF CIRCUITS OF THE
CHEST. KELLY CLIMBS INTO THE CHEST AND CLOSES
He’s not behind the chest. Where else could he be hiding?
Are you sure you haven’t seen him? Where else could he be?
SONG: WHERE ARE YOU CAPTAIN KELLY.
What will happen if Red Dog finds poor old Captain Kelly?
Will he make him walk the plank? Will he make him give
all the treasure back? Let me know if you want to look at
the rest of this swashbuckling tale of unburied treasure
and unreformed piratical peoples.