(this is some way into the script)
...
Basil
We need the groom and best man at the altar.
Manuel
You come, stand up for bride.
MANUEL HUSTLES THE GROOM AND THE BEST MAN INTO POSITION.
Basil
That’s not all he’ll have to have standing up for the bride.
Sybil
Basil! We need the celebrant to be here too.
THEY GET THE CELEBRANT UP TO THE LECTERN. THEIR NOTES ARE PLACED ON IT. IT IS THE FUNERAL ORATION INSTEAD OF THE WEDDING CEREMONY.
Sybil
Oh, we need someone to give the bride away. Is there anyone here you’d like to give you away, dear? Is your father here? No? We’ll have to find you another one. Excuse me. Are you a father? Would you mind giving the bride away? Thank you so much.
SYBIL AND MANUEL GET THE BRIDE AND GIVER-AWAY INTO PLACE.
Sybil
Bridesmaids and Matron’s of Honour? Over here. Now you can all see how it works. Everybody’s in their proper places. Alright, I’ll be with the bride when she comes in, just to make sure things go smoothly. You can manage the rest of this by yourself, Basil, can’t you?
Basil
Yes, yes, yes, of course I can.
SYBIL EXITS
Basil
Right first we que the music. Manuel, que the music. Manuel.
SYBIL RE-ENTERS
Sybil
He’s driving the car, Basil.
Basil
What? He’s what? He’s supposed to be doing the music.
Sybil
Use your brains. He can’t drive the car and do the music at the same time. You do the music.
SYBIL EXITS.
Basil
Oh, yes, right, I’ll do the music. And open the doors and everything else as I do every day of my life while everyone else just lazes around and does nothing. Right. Music.
BASIL HITS THE BUTTON AND THE WEDDING MARCH BLARES OUT. THE BRIDE ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR WITH SYBIL.
Basil
This is what they call ‘Car Door’....
THE CAR DRIVES IN. BASIL OPENS THE CAR DOOR WITH A FLOURISH.
Basil
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride. Dah dah
HE LOOKS INSIDE THE CAR AND DOUBLETAKES. HE CHECKS THE FRONT SEAT AS MANUEL EXITS THE CAR.
Basil
Where’s the bride?
Manuel
Que?
Basil
The bride, stupid. Where is the bride?
Manuel
Que.
Basil
What have you done with the bride, you stupid moron?
Manuel
Oh, si. Is bride.
MANUEL INDICATES SYBIL AND THE BRIDE.
Basil
Well what are you doing over there? You were supposed to enter in the car. What is going on?
Sybil
Basil, no one told us the bride had to enter in the car. We thought she was just supposed to walk in and we’d simulate the car.
Basil
Simulate? Who said anything about simulating anything? Right! We’ll just have to do it again. Drive the car out again, Manuel.
Manuel
Que
Basil
You, hombre, Manuel. El reverso car o.
Manuel
Oh, si, drive out.
MANUEL GETS IN AND STARTS THE CAR.
Basil
Wait. Wait. Don’t take the car out yet. Get in the car, you stupid woman.
BASIL GETS THE BRIDE AND THE BRIDESMAIDS INTO THE CAR. MANUEL REVERSES OUT AND BASIL CLOSES THE DOOR.
Basil
Right, we’ll just have to do it all again and this time we’ll get it right! Music Manuel.
Sybil
He’s outside.
Basil
Ohhhhhh.
BASIL RUNS TO THE CD PLAYER AND HITS THE BUTTON.
THE FUNERAL MARCH BLARES OUT. HE IS HALFWAY BACK TO DO THE DOOR WHEN HE REALISES IT IS THE WRONG TUNE. HE TURNS BACK.
Basil
It’s the wrong tune. How could it be the wrong tune? It was the wedding march just a minute ago.
HE FUMBLES AROUND WITH THE CONTROLS AND EVENTUALLY STOPS IT. HE FUMBLES SOME MORE.
Basil
I can’t find it. I can’t find the rotten wedding march. Where is Wagner when you really need him? Right, this is a crisis and we all have to pull together. You’ll all have to do the wedding march for me. Let’s all have a practice. Ta ta ta ta. Well come on, on the count of three. One, two.... You’ll have to conduct, Sybil.... Three. Ta ta ta da.
HE OPENS THE DOOR AS SYBIL CONDUCTS THE AUDIENCE IN THE WEDDING MARCH. BASIL ONCE AGAIN OPENS THE DOOR OF THE CAR AND HAULS THE BRIDE OUT.
Basil
Yes, that’s enough music. The car is here. Well, come on. Let’s get you up the aisle and married. For goodness sake, at least try to look happy. My God, she’s drunk, Sybil.
Sybil
Mmmmm. She has had one or two, but she looks alright to me. Come on dear. Take no notice of my husband. Let’s get up the aisle and get you married. Can we have the real wedding march now, Basil?
Basil
Right! Manuel, you know how to work this thing. Wedding march, pronto.
MANUEL HITS THE BUTTON.
THE FUNERAL MARCH COMES ON AGAIN.
Basil
No, no, no. Not that one. Wrong one. Stupido.
BASIL HITS MANUEL.
Basil
Get away from there and let me at it. Where’s the wedding march? You know, Wagner?
Manuel
Que? Is Mr. Wagner here? Any Wagner?
Basil
Oh, never mind. It must be in this other one. Which button do you press? Why do they make these things so complicated? I can’t get it to work, Sybil.
SYBIL MOVES TO THE CD PLAYER AND HITS THE BUTTON.
THE WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
Basil
Well come on. Off you go. What are you waiting for an invitation?
HE HUSTLES THE BRIDE AND COMPANY FORWARD.
Basil
Right here we are. Get on with it then.
THE CELEBRANT BEGINS TO READ. IT IS A FUNERAL ORATION.
Will they bury the bride? Will Basil ever learn how to use a cd player?
To read the entire script, contact Allen at Bearly Together Co.