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Sybil
It's time for God Save the Queen everybody. We always start with the national Anthem. Basil, you lead it will you?
Basil
Right, on your feet everybody (if anyone fails to rise) Ah, we know who the republicans are, don’t we?
BASIL LEADS THE AUDIENCE IN A RENDITION OF ‘GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.’ IT WILL PROBABLY BE NECESSARY TO SHOUT SHUT UP IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS IF NO-ONE HAS DONE SO BEFORE.
Sybil
What a wonderful rendition of God Save the Queen that was. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a very special announcement to make. Fawlty Towers is being changed into a Theatre Restaurant venue and tonight we have two people from the Michelin Theatre Restaurant Guide with us in the audience. We know who you are, but your secret’s safe with us. Isn’t it, Basil?
Basil
Yes, mum’s the word. We won’t let on who you are. Ha, ha, ha.
Sybil
We really want to get the Michelin Guide five stars, so you will be discrete and not try to find out who they are, won’t you? Well, won’t you? And Basil, you’re not to give the game away by fawning all over them, is that clear?
BASIL IS OBVIOUSLY SUCKING UP TO THE TWO PEOPLE.
Basil
Yes, yes, yes, my little Black Widow spider. We want to be the top Theatre Restaurant in town. We are of course a cut above everybody else..
Sybil
I should hope so! Anyway, while the play is on tonight, we want you to clap very loudly and laugh in all the right places.
Basil
There are no laughs, Sybil. It’s a Mummer’s Play. High culture.
Sybil
They did laugh in medieval times, Basil.
Basil
You should know, dear. Ah, Monsieur, Mademoiselle, how privileged we are to have you here tonight. Let’s have a big hand for our lovely young couple over here everybody.
Sybil
Basil! Discretion!!!
Manuel (applauding)
Ah, is from Michelin.
BASIL HITS MANUEL. HE ADDRESSES A CUSTOMER
Basil
Sorry about the dandruff.
Sybil
Basil, I have to go to check on entrée. Try to behave like someone who owns a hotel while I'm away.
SYBIL EXITS TO KITCHEN. BASIL MAKES A FACE AS SHE EXITS. SYBIL CATCHES HIM. BASIL CONTINUES.
Basil
This is a very big night for us here at Fawlty Towers tonight. Yes, it's our extra special Fawlty Towers Medieval Christmas celebration. Ta da. Well go on, clap. Tonight is a very significant night for us and apart from you customers who have come along and paid your hard earned pounds to be here, we have some honoured guests with us tonight. That is, as well as our lovely young couple over here, how are you sir, madam, everything to your satisfaction?
Manuel
Is Michelin.
BASIL HITS MANUEL AGAIN, WIPES DANDRUFF OFF HANDS AND CONTINUES.
Basil
As I was saying, we have some very special guests. Descendants, one and all, of the old and noble families of England. Over here at this table we have none other than the last remaining descendant of King Arthur himself. Table's certainly the right shape, eh, Arthur? At this table we have the family of Queen Guinivere. (to a man) Which one of you is the Queen? Who is the oldest progeny? Well come on, we need to know who the heir apparent is. Never mind, I’ll get Manuel to look at your teeth later on.
Manuel
Que?
Basil
Like you do with horses.
Manuel
Que?
Basil
Like you do with horses. You know, look at teeth?
Manuel
Teeth?
Basil
Si, teeth.
Manuel
Si.
AS BASIL TURNS AWAY TO CONTINUE, MANUEL TRIES TO CHECK THE TEETH OF THE WOMEN SITTING AT THE TABLE BASIL HAS REFERRED TO. SYBIL ENTERS.
Basil
As I was saying, it is an honour and a privilege to have so many of the famous old families of ancient England here with us tonight. (he sees what Manuel is doing) What are you doing? What are you doing, you stupid Spanish idiot (He chases Manuel with malice aforethought, only to come to a dead stop when Sybil shouts at him).
Sybil
Basil, what on earth are you doing?
Basil
Trying to kill Manuel, dear.
Sybil
I mean what is going on (to audience) -- sorry about this, we’ll have it sorted out in no time – I come in here to find Manuel trying to examine the mouth of this lady. Why?
Basil
Because he’s a lunatic.
Manuel
Mister Fawlty he say look at teeth.
Basil
I didn’t say to … Oh, never mind.
Sybil
Go to the kitchen Manuel and get ready to serve entrée.
Manuel
Que?
Sybil
Kitchen, entrée.
Manuel
Ah, si. Entrée. (to guest as he leaves) I speak English good. I learn from book.
Sybil
For heaven’s sake, Basil. I go to the kitchen to supervise entrée and chaos breaks out in the dining room. You were supposed to start the medieval celebrations. Where are the entertainers?
Basil
Should have been here half an hour ago.
Sybil
I told you not to hire that Plummer's Mummer's Troupe from Torquay. O’Reilly is a hopeless drunk and he knows nothing at all about it. What would an Irish builder know about English Mummer’s plays?
Basil
They’re the only Mummer’s Troupe in town.
Sybil
You weren’t supposed to hire them from Torquay. I told you to hire professionals.
Basil
It would have cost a lot of money.
Sybil
At least they’d be here. I’ll leave you to decide how we’re going to entertain all of these distinguished guests, Basil. We’ll discuss it after entrée and it better be good.
Will they get the Michelin 5 stars? Will the Mummers Group turn up? Will anything be right on the night?
To read the entire script, contact Allen at Bearly Together Co.