<%@LANGUAGE="JAVASCRIPT" CODEPAGE="1252"%> Fawlty Three

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(What follows is some way into the script)

Basil

Alright, everyone. Let me have your attention please. Now, we all know there’s a crisis of sorts in the kitchen. Never mind. Chins up--or for you weight-watchers over there, double chins up--we all have to soldier on through adversity, don’t we now. I want you all to cast your minds back to those grim, dark, wartime days and remember how we had to grit our teeth and carry on whatever the odds. I’m certain that Major General Furphy over here could give us some advice along that line, couldn’t you Major... General. Let’s not worry too much about our German friends over here. They weren’t here for the blitz although some of them may have been up above us at the time, dropping bombs and blowing the crap out of us, but let’s let bygones be bygones I always say and we won’t mention the war again tonight.
Now, I thought it would be a nice idea if, while Manuel is out there in the kitchen cooking the herrings in and the curried spam and rice, if we did a little something to amuse ourselves while we wait. We’re going to have a quiz, which Sybil and I spent some time preparing while you were ingesting that gourmet entree.

Sybil

We didn’t want to make the questions too easy, so we spent quite a bit of time on them.

Basil

And the really good news is that there will be a mystery prize for the table with the most right answers.

Sybil

Remember, if you know the answers. Put your hands up. In the air! We’ll take the first hands to go up, won’t we Basil?

Basil

Yes, well, let’s get cracking then.

Sybil

Question number one, What’s the name of the white cliffs the bluebird flew over at Dover, in the song?

Basil

Question two, Which war did Margaret Thatcher start?

Sybil

Question three, What is the Tower of London called?

Basil

Question four--this is where we get a bit serious--What is the second law of thermodynamics according to Sir Issac Newton? (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction)

Sybil

Question five, Who is the future queen of England?

Basil

Question six, What is the Welsh National Emblem...? Not now, we’re doing the quiz. Oh, I see. The vegetable.

Sybil

Question seven, Where is Ireland?

Basil

Question eight, What is Queen Elizabeth’s first name?

Sybil

Question nine, How many times does Big Ben strike when it’s 3am in the morning?

Basil

Question ten, I’ll do an impersonation. Who’s this then....

BASIL DOES HIS HITLER IMPERSONATION INCLUDING THE WALK.
THEY FIELD THE ANSWERS.

Basil

No. It's Pauline Hanson.

Sybil

Question number eleven…

MANUEL APPEARS FROM THE KITCHEN. HE IS WEARING AN APRON AND CHEF’S HAT.

Manuel

Mrs Fawlty, Mrs Fawlty, how many minutes you say for cook herrings in?

Sybil

Good question, how many minutes to cook herrings in?

Basil

Come on then. Who knows the answer .... Oh, I see. It’s not a quiz question. It’s Manuel’s faulty memory.

Sybil

Fifteen, Manuel

Manuel Que?

BASIL HOLDS UP TEN FINGERS AND THEN FIVE. MANUEL WAVES TO HIM. BASIL CLENCHES HIS FIST AND WAVES FIRST TWO FISTS AND THEN ONE.

Manuel

Ah, si. Fifteen

HE RETURNS TO THE KITCHEN.

Basil

Right, now we need to find our winners for the grand prize. Who won, Sybil.

Sybil

I don’t know. I thought you were keeping count.

Basil

I thought you were.

Sybil

We’ll just have to go on an honour system. Let’s start with this table over here. How many did you get right?

SYBIL AND BASIL ASK THE QUESTION OF EACH TABLE. THEY ARE BOUND TO CHEAT.

Sybil

If you’re all going to cheat, then we’ll just have to keep the prize.

Basil

Yes, a bit of British honesty, that’s what’s required. I could understand dishonesty if you were foreigners. Oh, you’re Germans, aren’t you. Oh, hang it all, we’ll just have to select the winners ourselves. I’m pretty sure it was this table over here. Give them the prize, Sybil.

THE FAWLTYS CEREMONIOUSLY PRESENT IT TO THE WINNING TABLE.

Sybil

There we are. A lovely prize. You can open it now if you like.

IT IS A TIN OF SPAM.

Basil

What a wonderful present. Big hand for our winners everyone.

Sybil

That will be something to remember your gourmet night at Fawlty Towers with forever.

Basil

Especially if you ordered the curried spam with rice.

Sybil

We’ve got a little while to go before our gourmet dinner is ready. What else can we do?

What indeed can they do? Will anyone get dinner? Can Manuel cook the curried spam and rice and the herrings in?

To read the entire script, contact Allen at Bearly Together Co.

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