THE DRAGON WHO BURPED

By Allen Lyne

©    2003

   THE WIZARD RUNS IN.  HE IS UPSET. 

Wizard

Ohhhhh, dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.  Has anyone

here seen my wand or my book of spells?  Anyone?

I can't remember where on earth I left them. How about you?

Have you seen them?

THE WIZARD PLAYS THE AUDIENCE. WHEN HE FAILS

TO FIND THE BOOK OF SPELLS OR WAND, HE RUNS OUT,

WAILING AS HE GOES.

THE PRINCE ENTERS.

Prince

How ya doin little dudes?  ...I’m the Prince of this here palace.

My name is Prince Cutmorelunches.  What a dumb name.  Wish

I had another one.  Anyway, it’s good to see you all here today.

Maybe you can help with a problem here in the kingdom.  See,

We got this old Wizard dude, you know, Merlin?  Did you see

him before?  He was looking for his wand and his book of spells. 

He can never find anything.

MERLIN BUSTLES THROUGH AGAIN, STILL LOOKING FOR

HIS WAND AND BOOK OF SPELLS

Prince

Well, our kingdom’s been such a quiet and peaceful place for so many years

that he’s forgotten all the spells and chants and things he learned at Wizard

School, and he hasn’t got his book to look them up.  There’s this pesky Dragon

that’s arrived here in the Kingdom.  It’s burping without saying ‘excuse me’, and

it’s being naughty all the time.  When Queen Goodwash comes in, she mustn’t

find out about the Dragon.  You won’t tell her, will you?  She thinks it’s the Wizard

who’s burping.  If she finds out there’s a Dragon running around the kingdom

burping and being naughty and that the Wizard can’t stop him, she’ll get real

mad at the Wizard.  You won’t tell the Queen, will you...?

THE QUEEN ENTERS.  SHE IS DUSTING AND HUMMING UNDER HER

BREATH.

Queen

Oh, this place is so dusty, dirty and smelly.  It used to be a nice, clean kingdom

 once.  Whatever is going on around here?

THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS.  THE QUEEN STOPS WHAT SHE IS

DOING AND LOOKS FIXEDLY AT THE AUDIENCE.

Queen

Who said that?  ...Who made that rude noise?  ...It was one of you, wasn’t it?

Prince

Err... it wasn’t the little dudes, your majesty.  It was me.

Queen

You?

Prince

Yes, me, sorry, Queen Goodwash.

Queen

Well say excuse me when you make that awful noise.

Where are your manners?

Prince

Sorry, excuse me.

Queen

You’ve been eating chicken nuggets and chips again, haven’t you?

They always make people burp.

Prince

Yes, your majesty.

Queen

It’s bad enough that I’ve got that silly old Wizard wandering around the

kingdom burping without saying excuse me, without you doing the same

thing, Prince Cutmorelunches.  Where is the Wizard?

Prince

He was in the west wing of the palace trying to find something last time I saw him.

Queen

Next time you see him, tell him to cast a spell to stop the two of you burping.

THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS.  THE QUEEN QUICKLY LOOKS

AT THE AUDIENCE.

Prince

Uh, excuse me.

Queen

You had a fizzy drink with your chicken nuggets and chips, didn’t you...?

I’m going to have a nice lie down.  I’m very tired.  That Wizard kept me awake

all night last night with his burping.  You be sure to tell the Wizard what I said

when you see him, won’t you?

Prince

Uh, what was that again?

Queen

Oh, do try to pay attention, Prince Cutmorelunches.  Tell the Wizard that he must

cast a spell to stop the two of you burping all the time.

Prince

Yes, your majesty.

Queen

And if the Prince forgets, (TO AUDIENCE)  you tell him, will you please?

THE QUEEN EXITS.

Prince

So there you go.  Big problem.  We got this dragon burping and being rude all

over the place, a Wizard who can’t do his spells anymore, and a Queen who

gets real mad.

EXCUSE ME SONG.

Prince

If the Queen finds out about the Dragon, I don’t know what will happen to

the poor old Wizard.  I think the Queen will probably get a new Wizard. 

Maybe you can help.  What do you say...?  Okay, here’s the deal.  Any time

you hear that nasty old Dragon burp, I want you all to shout out ‘excuse me’.

Can you all do that for me?  Let’s have a practise.  I’ll pretend I’m the Dragon

and I’ll burp and you all shout out ‘excuse me’.  Are you ready?

THE PRINCE BURPS.

Prince

The Queen doesn’t hear very well.  Can we all say excuse me a bit louder.

THE PRINCE PLAYS THIS UNTIL HE GETS A LOUD RESPONSE.

Prince

Yeah, that’s it.  That was really good.  Okay, I’m going to look for the Wizard

and tell him what’s going on.

THE PRINCE EXITS AND THE WIZARD COMES IN.

Wizard

Ooooooooooooh. Ooooooooooooh. Ooooooooooooh, dear oh dear oh dear oh

dear, whatever shall I do.  I can’t find my book of spells or my wand anywhere. 

Has anyone seen my book of spells?  ...How about my wand?  Has anyone here

seen that?  ...No?  Ooooooooooooh.

THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS.  THE QUEEN SCREAMS FROM OFF.

THE WIZARD JUMPS.  HE MOUTHS EXCUSE ME AT THE AUDIENCE IF THEY

ARE SLOW RESPONDING.  THE DRAGON BURPS AGAIN AND EXITS.

Wizard

Ooooooooooooh, that awful Dragon will get me into so

much trouble.  What do you think the Queen will say if I

can’t find my book of spells and turn him into a nice Dragon..?

Indeed, what will the Queen say?  Or do?  Will the Wiz get the

unkindest cut of all?  Can the prince or wizard find the book of

spells before the queen finds out?

For the answers to these questions, send me an email and

Tell me you want to produce this very funny kids' play.  We ran

It every Sunday for a year.