THE DRAGON WHO BURPED
By Allen Lyne
THE WIZARD RUNS IN. HE IS UPSET.
Ohhhhh, dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. Has anyone
here seen my wand or my book of spells? Anyone?
I can't remember where on earth I left them. How about you?
Have you seen them?
THE WIZARD PLAYS THE AUDIENCE. WHEN HE FAILS
TO FIND THE BOOK OF SPELLS OR WAND, HE RUNS OUT,
WAILING AS HE GOES.
THE PRINCE ENTERS.
How ya doin little dudes? ...I’m the Prince of this here palace.
My name is Prince Cutmorelunches. What a dumb name. Wish
I had another one. Anyway, it’s good to see you all here today.
Maybe you can help with a problem here in the kingdom. See,
We got this old Wizard dude, you know, Merlin? Did you see
him before? He was looking for his wand and his book of spells.
He can never find anything.
MERLIN BUSTLES THROUGH AGAIN, STILL LOOKING FOR
HIS WAND AND BOOK OF SPELLS
Well, our kingdom’s been such a quiet and peaceful place for so many years
that he’s forgotten all the spells and chants and things he learned at Wizard
School, and he hasn’t got his book to look them up. There’s this pesky Dragon
that’s arrived here in the Kingdom. It’s burping without saying ‘excuse me’, and
it’s being naughty all the time. When Queen Goodwash comes in, she mustn’t
find out about the Dragon. You won’t tell her, will you? She thinks it’s the Wizard
who’s burping. If she finds out there’s a Dragon running around the kingdom
burping and being naughty and that the Wizard can’t stop him, she’ll get real
mad at the Wizard. You won’t tell the Queen, will you...?
THE QUEEN ENTERS. SHE IS DUSTING AND HUMMING UNDER HER
Oh, this place is so dusty, dirty and smelly. It used to be a nice, clean kingdom
once. Whatever is going on around here?
THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS. THE QUEEN STOPS WHAT SHE IS
DOING AND LOOKS FIXEDLY AT THE AUDIENCE.
Who said that? ...Who made that rude noise? ...It was one of you, wasn’t it?
Err... it wasn’t the little dudes, your majesty. It was me.
Yes, me, sorry, Queen Goodwash.
Well say excuse me when you make that awful noise.
Where are your manners?
Sorry, excuse me.
You’ve been eating chicken nuggets and chips again, haven’t you?
They always make people burp.
Yes, your majesty.
It’s bad enough that I’ve got that silly old Wizard wandering around the
kingdom burping without saying excuse me, without you doing the same
thing, Prince Cutmorelunches. Where is the Wizard?
He was in the west wing of the palace trying to find something last time I saw him.
Next time you see him, tell him to cast a spell to stop the two of you burping.
THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS. THE QUEEN QUICKLY LOOKS
AT THE AUDIENCE.
Uh, excuse me.
You had a fizzy drink with your chicken nuggets and chips, didn’t you...?
I’m going to have a nice lie down. I’m very tired. That Wizard kept me awake
all night last night with his burping. You be sure to tell the Wizard what I said
when you see him, won’t you?
Uh, what was that again?
Oh, do try to pay attention, Prince Cutmorelunches. Tell the Wizard that he must
cast a spell to stop the two of you burping all the time.
Yes, your majesty.
And if the Prince forgets, (TO AUDIENCE) you tell him, will you please?
THE QUEEN EXITS.
So there you go. Big problem. We got this dragon burping and being rude all
over the place, a Wizard who can’t do his spells anymore, and a Queen who
gets real mad.
EXCUSE ME SONG.
If the Queen finds out about the Dragon, I don’t know what will happen to
the poor old Wizard. I think the Queen will probably get a new Wizard.
Maybe you can help. What do you say...? Okay, here’s the deal. Any time
you hear that nasty old Dragon burp, I want you all to shout out ‘excuse me’.
Can you all do that for me? Let’s have a practise. I’ll pretend I’m the Dragon
and I’ll burp and you all shout out ‘excuse me’. Are you ready?
THE PRINCE BURPS.
The Queen doesn’t hear very well. Can we all say excuse me a bit louder.
THE PRINCE PLAYS THIS UNTIL HE GETS A LOUD RESPONSE.
Yeah, that’s it. That was really good. Okay, I’m going to look for the Wizard
and tell him what’s going on.
THE PRINCE EXITS AND THE WIZARD COMES IN.
Ooooooooooooh. Ooooooooooooh. Ooooooooooooh, dear oh dear oh dear oh
dear, whatever shall I do. I can’t find my book of spells or my wand anywhere.
Has anyone seen my book of spells? ...How about my wand? Has anyone here
seen that? ...No? Ooooooooooooh.
THE DRAGON APPEARS AND BURPS. THE QUEEN SCREAMS FROM OFF.
THE WIZARD JUMPS. HE MOUTHS EXCUSE ME AT THE AUDIENCE IF THEY
ARE SLOW RESPONDING. THE DRAGON BURPS AGAIN AND EXITS.
Ooooooooooooh, that awful Dragon will get me into so
much trouble. What do you think the Queen will say if I
can’t find my book of spells and turn him into a nice Dragon..?
Indeed, what will the Queen say? Or do? Will the Wiz get the
unkindest cut of all? Can the prince or wizard find the book of
spells before the queen finds out?
For the answers to these questions, send me an email and
Tell me you want to produce this very funny kids' play. We ran
It every Sunday for a year.