DRACULA DOWN UNDER
By Allen Lyne
Music & Songs Sandra Lyne
Dracula Down Under was first produced at The Old Adelaide Gaol.
Dracula comes to
Dr. Van Helsing arrives from
The show is hugely interactive with lots of business in the audience as well as on the stage. There is a very funny and surprising audience involvement piece towards the end of the play that leads to the defeat of the evil Count Dracula and his cohorts.
There are a number of songs including solos, chorus numbers by the Ghouls and sing-a-longs for the audience. We have a tape of the original music of the show.
There are six principal characters, a couple of smaller roles and as many Singing Ghouls as you wish.
THE DOCTOR (CAN BE DOUBLED BY LUCY IF REQUIRED).
ANNOUNCEMENTS CAN EITHER BE DONE LIVE OR AS VOICE-OVER.
AS MANY SINGING AND DANCING GHOULS AS YOU WISH.
THE FOLLOWING ADVICE RELATES TO THE FIRST PRODUCTION. OTHER COMPANIES MAY FIND DIFFERENT WAYS TO GO.
FLATS WITH A CASTLE WALL ARE AT THE BACK. THERE IS A LARGE, CURVED ENTRANCE DOOR IN THE CENTRE OF THE FLATS. ENTRANCES AND EXITS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH THIS DOOR AND AROUND THE FLATS STAGE RIGHT AND LEFT. THERE ARE REMOVABLE SECTIONS WITHIN THE FLATS FOR POKING HEADS THROUGH.
IN THE FIRST PRODUCTION THE COMPANY USED A BARE STAGE. LUCY'S 'COUNTER' WAS WORN BY HER. IT WAS MADE OF POLYSTYRENE AND SLIPPED OVER HER SHOULDERS ON STRAPS. CHAIRS WERE BROUGHT ON AND A DRINKS TROLLEY WHEELED IN FOR THE ARTHUR AND MARTHA SCENES.
DRACULA WEARS THE TRADITIONAL CAPE AND ENSEMBLE.
VAN HELSING WEARS A TRADITIONAL LOOKING GERMAN COSTUME INCLUDING FELT HAT.
REFIELD WEARS AN UNKEMPT OLD SUIT. HE HAS SEVERAL DAYS BEARD GROWTH.
LUCY WEARS A WAITRESSES' COSTUME UNTIL MAIN COURSE. SHE CHANGES INTO A RATHER TATTY, COBWEBBY BALL GOWN FOR THE REST OF THE PLAY.
ARTHUR AND MARTHA WEAR OLD FASHIONED CLOTHES.
THE NURSE HAS A WHITE COAT AND STETHESCOPE.
THE GHOULS ARE MASKED IN GHOULISH MASKS. THEY WEAR DIFFERENT COLOURED ROBES. THE MASKS ENABLE DOUBLING BY ARTHUR AND MARTHA IF REQUIRED.
EACH PROGRAM OR MENU IN THE ROOM HAS A LARGE, CIRCULAR SPOT ON THE BACK OF IT.
DRACULA IS IN THE RESTAURANT TO GREET THE GUESTS. HE URGES THEM TO DRINK THE SOUP. THE WAITERS, WHO ARE DRESSED AS FIENDS MAY DO THE SAME. THINGS WE TELL THE GUESTS INCLUDE THAT THE SOUP CONTAINS SPECIAL TRANSYLVANNIAN HERBS AND SPICES. THAT IT IS VERY GOOD FOR THEM. THAT IT WILL HAVE WONDERFUL EFFECTS ON THEIR POTENCY (MEN) BEAUTY (WOMEN).
ENTREE. FANFARE ANNOUNCEMENT.
Announcer. Ladies and Gentlemen, your undivided attention please. Put your glands together for that super hero of the last twenty six generations. Yes, folks, all the way from beautiful downtown Transylvannia, none other than that wonderful, bestial, gross, bloodthirsty and devious, Count Dracula
APPLAUSE. DRACULA ENTERS. SONG.
Dracula Good evening everyone. My name is Count Dracula and I’m here tonight on a mission. A mission to employ you all back in my lovely old castle in (thunder) Transylvannia. I love you all. I am going to hire all of you and take you back to Transylvannia to work as my assistants. No vegetarians allowed. It is nice to be here with you on my Australian tour. You have a very nice country, but you have some strange customs. I saw a sign saying Blood Bank and when I went in, they refused to let me make a withdrawal. I saw a sign outside a restaurant that said they could serve anything anyone cared to order. I went in and ordered a human flesh sandwich. After about half an hour the chef came out and he apologised. He said they couldn’t do it. I said, hang on, you advertise you can serve anything anyone asks for and then you tell me you can’t serve a human flesh sandwich? He says, that’s right. We’ve run out of bread. I believe in teamwork. When you come to Transylvannia to work for me, you will all sing our team song together every night when w rise from our coffins .... beds to start work. I will teach you the chorus.. It goes like this.
DRACULA TEACHES THE AUDIENCE THE CHORUS. THE GHOULS AND RENFIELD JOIN DRACULA IN THE SONG. IT IS ALSO A DANCE NUMBER, SUNG TO THE TUNE OF SOLIDARITY TOGETHER.
GHOULS AND GHOSTS TOGETHER, LET US RAISE THE CHALICE RED
WE SHALL STAND VICTORIOUS ALTHOUGH WE’RE KIND OF DEAD
MIRACLE VAMPIRICAL, WE CANNOT DIE IN VEIN
FOR GHOULS ARE MARCHING ON
CHORUS TRANSYLVANNIA FOREVER, TRANSYLVANNIA FOREVER
THE GHOULS ARE MARCHING ON.
FELLOWSHIP NEWFANGLED AND UNITED WHEN WE PREY
WE SHALL BE REQUITED ERE THE BREAKING OF THE DAY
UNDERNEATH THE BANQUET MOON WE’LL HOWL AND SCREECH
AND SAY… THE GHOULS ARE MARCHING ON
UNITED WHEN WE’RE SNEEZIN AND UNITED IN OUR COFFIN (cough)
WE SHALL DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY WE’RE PRONE TO PARTY OFTEN
REVELRY UNRIVALLED AS WE QUIETLY ARE QUAFFIN
THE GHOULS KEEP MARCHING ON
CHORUS X 2
Dracula Very good, you are all in such good voice. Now, I will depart to make the final arrangements for you all to leave for Transylvania early tomorrow morning. Renfield, you will accompany me.
RENFIELD IS SOMEWHERE IN THE AUDIENCE.
Renfield Can I bite them on the neck now?
Dracula Behave yourself, Renfield.
Renfield Can’t I bite them on the neck just a little bit?
Dracula You may only bite people when I tell you to.
Renfield I want to bite someone. This one !
Dracula Ghouls !
THE GHOULS RESTRAIN RENFIELD.
Renfield How about this one over here.
THE GHOULS CONTINUE TO RESTRAIN RENFIELD.
Dracula No. You will please excuse my associate, Mister Renfield. He gets excited sometimes. He has this habit of biting people on the neck.
RENFIELD IS ABOUT TO BITE SOMEONE’S NECK.
Renfield Ohhh ! Such a nice neck, master. Do you promise I can have this one, master? And this one? Do you promise?
Dracula Hmm, let me see. A very succulent neck indeed. No, Renfield, I shall take great delight in converting this one myself.
Renfield I know, master. Why don’t we divide the room into two. You take that half and I get this half. That way I get you. (Indicating the person he has harrassed previously) . Hands up those people who would like to be signed up by Count Dracula .... And hands up those people who would like to be signed up by me?
Dracula I will do most of them, Renfield. I will throw you the old and scrawny ones. Lucy, my lovely Lucy, will watch and observe how it is done. And the final one will be hers.
Renfield Let me bite them all on the neck. Couldn’t I? Couldn’t I just bite a few of them on the neck now? How about this one. Look at that neck. Those veins. Couldn’t I just sink my teeth into this one.
Dracula I won’t bring you out again if you can’t behave yourself.
Renfield But why, master, why won’t you let me bite them?
Dracula Control yourself until the potion I slipped into the soup takes effect. Now come on. We will sing two more choruses of our song before we go.
CHORUS TRANSYLVANNIA FOREVER, TRANSYLVANNIA FOREVER
THE GHOULS ARE MARCHING ON.
DRACULA, VAN HELSING AND THE GHOULS MARCH OUT.
VAN HELSING ENTERS AT THE RUN
Van Helsing Ooooooohhh ! I’m not too late am I? You haven’t eaten the soup have you? Well, have you ? Oh no, too late. I have tracked Dracula since he left (thunder) Transylvania and each time he pulls the same trick. Drops a potion in the soup which sends you all off to by bys at 11 pm when he and his cohorts are free to bite you on the neck and turn you all into vampires But no, I can’t be too late. Whenever people have eaten the soup, they begin to howl like dogs and no-one here is howling like a dog. Are you ....
FX HOWLING DOG/PEOPLE
VAN HELSING PLAYS THIS UNTIL HE GETS THE AUDIENCE HOWLING.
THE OTHER ACTORS HOWL BACKSTAGE.
Van Helsing Oh, you foolish people. You have eaten the soup, haven’t you? What on earth are you doing here? How could you get sucked in to coming here? But first things first. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Van Helsing from Hamburg and I am here to warn you to flee. Flee for your very lives because count Dracula is about to inveigle you into his ghastly way of life. It is Count Dracula’s intention to see that every one of you is bitten on the neck this evening. Oh, foolish people begone. Tarry not, your very souls are in immortal danger. What? You don’t believe me? Perhaps if I tell you the story of Count Dracula and how he happens to be here in
Once upon a time, in a far off land called (Thunder) Transylvania, there was an old, eerie castle. It was dark, it was dank, it was gloomy, it was horrible. Foul smelling water trickled down the walls and a dark, evil looking creeper covered the exterior of the building. Rats, mice, cockroaches and other nasty creatures scampered around inside. Poisonous toads croaked horribly in the stagnant ponds which proliferated in the grounds. A great pall of black evilness hung over the entire place. Crows cawed, including Riccuto. Bats flew from the belfry. The sound of screaming and of groaning was commonplace in that dark domain. No-one who came up the driveway to knock on the great oaken door with the huge brass knocker ... doorknocker ever went back down again. . Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses went missing. The (thunder) Transylvanian Amway people kept disappearing. If you were able to wander unchecked inside the castle, you would find yourself in a maze of dark, damp corridors which wound around the interior. You would follow along through the corridors towards a tiny pin prick of light at the end. Once you reached this light, you would realise that it shone from the key hole of a massive door. On swinging open the door you would be greeted with a hideous sight. It was a charnel House. Coffins stood around the walls. Bones were strewn everywhere and suspicious patches of damp, red liquid were obvious on the floor. Just like home, eh? The light came from a number of tapers that were kept burning. The chill of the tomb pervaded the room and the eerie silence was now and then broken by strange rustling and moaning sounds. This was the home in (Thunder) Transylvania of the most evil Vampire the world has ever known. None other than the infamous Count Dracula.
Dracula I did but see her passing by and yes, I’ll love her, when she dies. Oh, what a bore, what a bore. I’ve been chasing people around Transylvania for centuries biting them on the neck. It’s time for redder pastures. Time I went somewhere else and bit a few foreign people. I’m bored with this castle. I’m bored with biting the same Transylvanians all the time. Where shall I go? Hmmmm?
DRACULA SONG FLYING OFF TO OZ. THE GHOULS JOIN THE CHORUS.
I’m rather ah notorious in Vania
And people are so boring in
They’re far too fond of garlic soup in Florence
And oh, it’s hot and horrid in Bengal
“Thick - skinned” is what I’d call them in the Arctic
And altitude it makes the blood run cold
But nobody is nasty in
They’re gullible err loveable I’m told
Get your foot off my regalia
Now I’m off to see
I’m so happy now and it’s because
Dracula is flying off to Oz
I’ll probably find it rather hot in summer
Cause rubber thongs and shorts are not my thing
The night life dudes will think I look a stunner
An akubra hat and shiny batman wings
I hope they’re pleased to see me there down under
Perhaps we’ll have a party on the lawn
And all my friends will howl and hoot and chunder,
Then hang upon the hills hoist ‘til the dawn
CHORUS X 2
Van Helsing And so Dracula headed for the Southern Hemisphere under his own power. On landing he booked into a boarding house on North Tce., run by the mysterious Mr. Olsen. He who was constantly talking about balancing the books.
Dracula I left the boarding house and headed for the street as soon as I could. That Mr. Olsen was so boring. Economic rationalism? What is it? Who cares? He tried to sell me his boarding house. Parliament house. Funny name for a boarding house. I wandered down North Terrace checking out all of those beautiful sunburnt yummy necks. And then it happened. Kaaaaaaapow! Right between the eyes. I saw her. I fell in love. She is beautiful. She is exactly like my long lost love from (Thunder) Transylvania five centuries ago. Tatiana! Oh, Tatiana, my green eyed pale skinned beauty. I bit your neck and shared a coffin with you for so many years. And then, one day, you simply disappeared. Did you get bored with me? Did some other vampire come along who was .... better looking? What? I have been left alone to wander like a lost non-soul for all of these centuries and I have barely coped, but now, all of a sudden, there she was. I rushed up to her. Oh, Tatiana, Tatiana where have you been? I have been lost, in torment for eons. My very being has cried out for you all of these centuries. Tell me, Tatiana, tell me, why did you leave.
Lucy Are you alright?
Dracula Tell me, Tatiana, why you left me all those years ago.
Lucy My name’s Lucy, not Tatiana.
Dracula But you look exactly like my long lost love from (Thunder) Transylvania.
Lucy You’re one of those excitable foreign men, aren’t you?
Dracula But how could this be? She was not my wonderful Tatiana. Perhaps it was she reincarnated. I followed her along the streets until we reached her place of employment at the Severed Head Hotel.
DRACULA APPROACHES LUCY BEHIND HER COUNTER. SHE GIVES THE STRAINED, GLAZED EYED LOOK OF SOMEONE WHO SERVES A MILLION CUSTOMERS A DAY AND HAS TO PRETEND TO LIKE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.
Lucy G’day, love. What’ll it be? You want a beer or do you want a county?
Dracula You speak in such funny tongues. What dialect is this?
Lucy Still got breakky on if you want it. Bangers and mash? Side dish of baked beans or hash browns?
Dracula A language I have never heard before.
Lucy Pie floaters left over from the pie cart last night? With chippies or without?
Dracula May I see you home, Lucy, when you finish work?
Lucy Oh, you foreign men are such fast workers.
Van Helsing Several weeks went by. Every evening, after sun down, Dracula left the cursing Mr. Olsen, who is fighting to prevent the bailiffs from repossessing Parliament House, and went to The Severed Head Hotel to see Lucy where she was working the evening shift. Every night he walked her to the bus stop where she refused his entreaties to see her home. Every night Dracula ate the same meal at the Severed Head Hotel.
Lucy One raw rump steak with tomato sauce and a pint of bloody Mary. You got funny tastes.
Dracula Oh, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. What am I to do? I have fallen so deeply, passionately, desperately in love with you. I lay my pride at your feet. Trample upon it if you will. I beseech you, Lucy, let me into your life. Let me love you, Lucy. Let me love you! At least say you’ll come out with me.
Lucy Well, terminator 5s on at The West Beach Drive in.
Dracula I don’t have a car.
Lucy We’ll borrow my father’s Commodore.
Dracula Borrow a sailor?
Lucy Come to my place tomorrow afternoon and meet my mum and dad.
Van Helsing That night, Dracula took Lucy to see Terminator 5 at the West Beach Drive In, after learning that in the Australian vernacular a commodore is a car. When they returned to the house, Dracula crept into Lucy’s bedroom.
LUCY We’ll have to be dead set quiet. Otherwise me dad’ll be in here like a shot and down on you like a ton of bricks.
DRACULA There is that strange dialect once again. Come to me my little bucket of blood.
LUCY Gawd you talk funny. No-one’s ever called me them sort of names before.
Dracula I feel a need rising in me.
Lucy Yeah, I can feel it too.
Dracula It is becoming bigger and bigger.
Lucy You can say that again.
Dracula If I must. It is becoming bigger and bigger.
Lucy Youse Transylvanians is so literal.
Dracula I cannot control myself. I must bite you on the neck.
Lucy Okay, but keep your voice down will yer.
DRACULA BITES LUCY ON THE NECK. AS SHE REALISES HIS TEETH ARE GOING INTO HER NECK SHE RESISTS BRIEFLY, THEN GIVES HERSELF UP TO THE MOMENT. DRACULA FINISHES HIS BLOODY WORK AND WITHDRAWS WITH A BELCH. LUCY SPEAKS FROM HERE ON WITH A TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT
Lucy Oh, I feel so different. I feel, Transylvanian. And what is this thirst I have? Why do I seem to want ... blood?
WHAT WILL BECOME OF POOR LUCY? Is there a way back once you've been bitten on the neck? Probably not. Will Dracula have his way and transport the entire audience back to Transylvania?
For the answers to these questions and many more, including why the grass is green and the sky blue, please contact me for the full script and have a ball producing this very funny piece.