CLOWNSVILLE HIGH
A play by
Allen Lyne
© Allen Lyne 1989--2007
8 Redgate Court
Moana Heights
Adelaide
South Australia 5169
8 327 4142
Clownsville
High has been produced many times. Productions have taken place in most states
in
The original production was in Willunga, South Australia. The production was funded by The Department of Health, Country Arts Board, Willunga Council and some local businesses in Willunga and surrounding districts.
The young actors were drawn from Willunga High School and the Steiner School in Willunga. They were given time off school to tour the play to other schools and to Community Centres. There were some evening performances in the mix.
CAST
Young Clowns
Bilbo
Carrot
Cali
Cambal
Flory
Hic
Horatio
Jade
Jerky
Maryanne
Percival
Sam
Sasha
Teacher
Headmistress
Father
Mother
Policeperson 1
Parson
Mr. Bigshot
Miss Masters
All characters wear clown makeup, clown costumes and clown noses. The only exception to this is toward the end of the play where Bilbo removes her clown nose as indicated.
THERE ARE TWO LARGE FREE STANDING FLATS AT THE BACK. ON THESE FLATS ARE HUNG A GIANT SIZED SCOTCH BOTTLE, BONG, JOINT, BOTTLE OF PILLS, GLUE AND NEEDLE. THESE BRIGHTLY COLOURED PROPS ARE DETACHABLE AND ARE USED AND HUNG ON THE FLATS AGAIN AS REQUIRED. TWO CARS ARE SET EITHER SIDE OF THE ACTING AREA. THEY ARE PLYWOOD CUTOUTS WHICH HAVE ONE SIDE ONLY. THE ACTORS HOLD THEM WHILE "DRIVING".
MUSIC. KIDS ENTER DRESSED AS CLOWNS WITH RED NOSES. THEY DO TRICKS. SHAKE HANDS WITH THE AUDIENCE. THEY FORM TWO LINES WHICH POINT UPSTAGE CENTRE. DRUM ROLL. MARY ANNE DOES A SENSATIONAL FORWARD FLIP. OTHER CLOWNS LEAD APPLAUSE. DRUMROLL. HIC DOES A DRUNKEN CARTWHEEL AND FALLS FLAT. JADE LAUGHS HER TERRIBLE, HIGH PITCHED LAUGH.
JADE
This is our friend.
CARROT
He's got a problem.
SASHA
He sure has.
BILBO
Pissed again.
HIC
Hic!
FLORY
Pissed!
SAM
Disgusting.
HIC
Hic!
SASHA
Terrible.
HIC SINKS TO THE FLOOR
HORATIO
Oh dear!
ALL
Oh dear!
JADE
(laughs) Teacher's coming.
THEY ALL ATTEMPT TO SIT. CLOWN ROUTINE
HIC
Hic!!
THE CLOWNS REALISE HIC IS STILL LYING WHERE THEY LEFT HIM. THEY PICK HIM UP AND SUPPORT HIM. TEACHER ENTERS.
TEACHER
Good morning good morning good morning. This is your first day at school so pay attention and learn something. I am your teacher and I know everything...EVERYTHING DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I have an amazingly retentive mind...Where was I...? Oh yes! I continue...Lesson One...Take out your books and turn to page one. Drugs and alcohol...Drugs and alcohol are very bad for you at a young and tender age. So don't drink, smoke, use dope, pop pills, inhale dangerous substances or inject yourselves. You must not...MUST NOT! Do I make myself perfectly clear? The most prevalent drug used by young people is alcohol and you are not allowed to so don't...
HIC
Hic.
TEACHER
Who said that?
HORATIO
I did.
TEACHER
You did? How dare you say hic to me? What have you got to say for yourself?
HIC
Hic.
TEACHER
There you go again. Go and stand in the corner.
HORATIO GOES TO THE CORNER.
TEACHER
Where was I?
BILBO
You were telling us about your wonderful memory, sir.
TEACHER
Was I? So I was.
HIC
Hic.
TEACHER
Who said that?
WHOLE CLASS
Hic!
TEACHER
You can all go and stand in the corner.
THEY DO
HORATIO
Party!
TEACHER
Anyone would think you'd all been drinking. If it weren't for the fact that I've warned you not to, I'd say it could be the case. I continue...(takes scotch bottle and joint ) Alcohol and drugs. Well, alcohol is a drug really. Adults are allowed to drink because we're much more sensible than young people. The law recognises that. We make the laws, so that's right! Right? Now, the day you turn eighteen something magical happens. You suddenly become an adult in the eyes of the law and legally able to drunk ... err ... drink. However, you are not allowed to use these things (drags on joint), these things (sniffs glue) or these things. (injects) This is the type of thing that happens if you do.
TEACHER FALLS. HE CHUNDERS. KIDS GATHER AROUND EXCEPT FOR HIC WHO REMAINS SEPARATE.
CLASS
Oooooooh! Poor teacher.
THEY PICK TEACHER UP AND CARRY HIM TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE AND LAY HIM DOWN. HIC COMES CENTRE. HE TAKES THE SCOTCH BOTTLE AND SWIGS.
HIC
Hic!
THE OTHERS NOTICE HIM.
SASHA
Stop doing that!
SASHA TAKES THE BOTTLE FROM HIC WHO ATTEMPTS TO GET IT BACK. ROUTINE, 'KEEPING THE BOTTLE FROM HIC'. EVENTUALLY HORATIO GETS IT.
HORATIO
Give it to him.
HE GIVES THE BOTTLE TO HIC WHO DRINKS. JADE LAUGHS. BILBO WINCES.
BILBO
Don't do that.
JADE
(indicating Hic) That's not nice.
SAM
You're a burke, Hic. What are you?
HIC
Hic.
BILBO
Ah, leave him alone.
PERCIVAL
Yeah, leave him alone.
HORATIO
What's wrong with a bit of booze?
PERCIVAL
Nothing
CARROT
Plenty...That's right...Plenty.
JERKY
Booze heads.
BILBO DRINKS. MARY ANNE SNATCHES THE BOTTLE.
BILBO
I drink more than him
MARYANNE
Yeah, but you can handle it, Bilbo.
SASHA
We have to stop you from drinking, Hic.
HIC
Hic...Why?
FLORY
Because you're a mess.
SAM
We don't want you to hurt yourself.
HIC
I like drinking.
CARROT
It's not good for you.
FLORY
Not good at all.
MARYANNE
No!
SASHA
We need to find a way to stop Hic drinking.
JERKY
Think!
ALL CLOWNS THINK. FX CLOCK TICKING.
SAM
I can't think of anything.
JADE LAUGHS
BILBO
Stop it...Don't do that.
JADE
I've got it!
SAM
What?
JADE
The answer the answer.
ALL
Jade's got the answer Jade's got the answer
THEY DANCE AROUND AS THEY CHANT THE ABOVE. THEY STOP.
MARY ANNE
What's the answer?
JADE
We use this tape, see?
SAM
Oh, right.
CARROT
We use the tape!
MARY ANNE
Of course.
FLORY
The tape.
JERKY
Yes, the tape.
SASHA
Why didn't we think of that?
PERCIVAL
How?
JADE
(Indian) How!
PERCIVAL
How! No! I mean how do we use the tape?
JADE
(laughs) Like this...See? We tape up Hic's mouth so he can't drink.
ALL
oooooooooooooooh!
HIC IS TRYING TO SPEAK. ALL CLOWNS ADOPT LISTENING POSES
FLORY
What's he saying?
CARROT
Something about...He can't breathe
THEY RIP THE TAPE OFF.
HIC
I like drinking.
SASHA
You're not allowed to. We'll show you what could happen.
PARTY SCENE. ALL DANCE.
BILBO
Dig that music. Oh wow.
CARROT
Far out...I said...Far out.
HIC
Give us another drink.
HE OFFERS THE BOTTLE TO JADE.
JADE
(laughs) No thanks.
PERCIVAL
Go on. Get it into you.
JADE
Don't need it to have a good time.
BILBO
Helps.
JERKY
Why do you drink all the time?
HIC
You can talk.
JERKY
A bit! Not all the time.
HIC
My business.
SAM
Jeez hic, you're pissed.
HIC
And stoned.
CARROT
Why do you write yourself off?
HIC
Feels great.
HORATIO LEAPS DOWNSTAGE.
HORATIO
Let's steal a car!
BILBO
Far out.
HORATIO
I feel like driving. Fast.
HIC
Nah. Stay here and get pissed.
JERKY
Pisseder.
HORATIO
I feel like driving. Real fast!
BILBO
You can't drive.
HORATIO
Who can't?
BILBO
You can't.
HIC
I can.
MARYANNE
Couldn't drive a nail.
JADE
Where's your licence?
HIC
I can drive.
BILBO
I can hot wire cars.
HORATIO
Let's go.
HIC
Yeah.
FLORY
Oh no.
CARROT
Don't be silly.
MARYANNE
Stay right where you are.
SASHA
You're not allowed to.
HIC, BILBO AND HORATIO ATTEMPT TO LEAVE. THE OTHERS ATTEMPT TO STOP THEM. THERE IS GENERAL NOISE AND MAYHEM DURING THE NEXT PART OF THIS SCENE WITH LOTS OF PUSHING AND SHOVING. LINES ARE A GUIDE ONLY.
JERKY
You're too pissed.
PERCIVAL
Don't be stupid.
HORATIO
Let go.
HIC WANDERS AWAY FROM THE MELEE AND PICKS UP THE CAR STAGE LEFT.
SASHA
You're not going.
BILBO
Rack off.
JADE
Drive like that, you'll kill yourself.
HORATIO
Get out of the way.
FLORY
Oh please don't....
SAM
Don't be stupid.
HIC
I know exactly what I'm doing.
HORATIO AND BILBO BREAK FREE OF THE GROUP AND JOIN HIC IN THE CAR. THE REST OF THE CAST FORMS UP IN THREE GROUPS. THE POLICE CAR ENTERS AND GIVES CHASE ON THE LINE "THEN IT'S A NEW SOUND THEY'RE A HEARIN...." DIALOGUE IS SPLIT BETWEEN GROUPS LEFT, RIGHT AND CENTRE.
GROUPS
SO THEY'RE SCREAMING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
DOING A HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE
IN A STOLEN JAG. WITH LEATHER SEATS
HIC, BILBO& HORATIO
WE REALLY FEEL ALIVE
GROUPS
THE RADIO IS BLARING
PLAYING A REAL GOOD SONG
THEY'RE PISSED AND FEELING PRETTY GOOD.
HIC ETC
SOMEONE PASS THE BONG
GROUPS
SO THEY'RE SCREAMING DOWN THE FREEWAY
DOING A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE
AND THE RADIO IS BLARING
HIC ETC
AND WE REALLY FEEL ALIVE
GROUPS
WHEN IT'S A NEW SOUND THEY'RE A HEARING
AND A LIGHT IS FLASHING BLUE
AND HIC HE CORNERS QUICKLY
HORATIO& BILBO
AND THEN HE HAS A SPEW
GROUP
THE BLUE LIGHT'S GETTING CLOSER
HORATIO
WE THROW THE BONG AWAY
GROUPS
BUT THE STINK OF BOOZE AND DOPE AND SPEW
IS IN THE CAR TO STAY
NOW THE BLUE LIGHT'S RIGHT UP WITH THEM
THEY'RE DOING TWO TON AND MORE
WHEN HIC LOSES HER ON A CORNER
WITH THE PEDAL TO THE FLOOR
AND THEY SKID THEY'RE GOING SIDEWAYS
HIC FIGHTS HER FOR CONTROL
THE JAG IS SLEWING SIDEWAYS
AND THEY KNOW
HIC ETC
SHE'S GOING TO ROLL.
HIC, BILBO AND HORATIO TUMBLE IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. THE CARS ARE TAKEN OFF. THE TWO POLICEMEN RUN TO HORATIO DOWNSTAGE CENTRE AND BILBO UPSTAGE LEFT
POLICEMAN 1
Dead.
POLICEMAN 2
Head smashed in.
POLICEMAN 1
The blood.
POLICEMAN 2
Brain damage.
POLICEMAN 1 GOES TO HIC UPSTAGE RIGHT.
POLICEMAN 1
Still alive.
POLICEMAN 2
Still alive? Why did you chase so close?
POLICEMAN 1
I didn't know.
POLICEMAN 2
Only kids.
POLICEMAN 1
I didn't know.
POLICEMAN 2
Kids!
THE THREE GROUPS MOVE TO HORATIO'S CORPSE. THEY LIFT HIM UP AND MOVE AROUND THE SPACE TO THE DEAD MARCH. POLICEMAN 2 DONS THE PARSONS ROBE AND READS THE "BURIAL SERVICE". POLICEMAN 1 AND HIC STAND DOWNSTAGE RIGHT. BILBO SITS DOWNSTAGE LEFT IN HER SMASHED HEAD MASK.
PARSON
We are gathered here today to bury one of our young. Horatio, who we held so very dear, was foolish enough to get into a car with a drunken driver. Horatio, therefore, must take some responsibility for his death, but the blame mostly lies there, there with Hic. For it was he who drove the car. Hic who murdered his friend Horatio and turned poor Bilbo into a brain damaged vegetable. Poor Horatio is dead. Driven to his death. Poor Horatio.
MOVEMENT SEQUENCE.
ASHES TO ASHES DUST TO DUST
IF THE BOOZE DON'T GET YOU THEN TOBACCO MUST
THERE'S BOOZE AND SMOKES AND THEN WHAT'S MORE
THERE'S DRUGS AND PILLS AND GLUE AND MORE
YOU GO TO A PARTY YOU STAY OUT LATE
STEAL A CAR YOU MEET YOUR FATE
DRIVE LIKE A DEMON DRIVE REAL FAST
NEXT BREATH YOU TAKE MAY BE YOUR LAST
YOU CAN GO TO A PARTY YOU CAN STAY OUT LATE
IF YOU DRIVE A CAR BETTER BE REAL STRAIGHT
CLOWNS FINISH IN SAME POSITION AS BEFORE MOVEMENT SEQUENCE.
PARSON
Not only will young Hic forever have Horatio's death on his conscience, when he gets out of jail he will have to face Bilbo and she, poor Bilbo, brain damaged with a face that would frighten Frankenstein.
ALL EXCEPT BILBO MOVE TO A SEMI-CIRCLE AROUND HIC. CHANT BEGINS SOFTLY AT FIRST THEN BUILDS UNTIL HIC'S SCREAM CUTS IT OFF.
ALL
Fault fault fault...etc.
HIC
(soft) Nothing like that's going to happen
THE FAULT CHANT CONTINUES.
HIC
(scream)...Nothing like that's going to happen.
MARYANNE
Don't be too sure.
SASHA
Everyone reckons "it can't happen to me".
SAM
But it does.
TEACHER
Get back to your seats. All of you...Now, where was I?
JADE LAUGHS. BILBO GROANS.
JADE
You were telling us about your memory, sir.
TEACHER
Was I? Was I really? Was I? Well I shouldn't be doing that sort of thing in school time. Take out your books and turn to Lesson Two. What is Lesson Two...? No, that's not right. Have we finished Lesson One? What is Lesson One? Answer me...You, girl...Answer...
CALI GRUNTS.
WILL CALI GET IT TOGETHER?
CAN HIC'S FRIENDS SAVE HIM FROM BOOZE AND DRUGS?
WILL THE TEACHER REMAIN EMPLOYED?
FOR THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND TO READ THE ENTIRE SCRIPT, SEND ME AN EMAIL TELLING ME YOU WANT TO PRODUCE THIS TRAGI-COMIC PLAY ABOUT YOUNG PEOPLE.