ASCOT EVE
By Allen Lyne
Every year Lord Lavender invites his racing connections and close family to dinner on the eve of the famous race meeting at Royal Ascot. This year is no different. Or is it?
Shorty Leggup, Lord Lavender’s jockey, who is due to ride the favourite, Trotsky, in the cup the following day, is found murdered in the rose garden. The horse is also murdered!
Jeeves the Butler is accused of the murder, but is he really guilty? Every person at dinner seems to have a motive and also to have the opportunity to have committed the foul deed. And what of the horse, Trotsky? Was he also murdered?
Who is responsible for the foul deed? Is it the knife wielding Miss Emerald? The pistol-packing Banker Brown? Cosh carrying Baron Oxford Blue? Did Lady Rose deliberately turn on the gas and forget to light the flame? Or is it old Lord Lavender himself with his infamous blow pipe? What part does Miss Lemon play in all of this? Was it Jeeves the Butler after all? There are many tortuous twists and turns in this hilarious plot as the murderer is finally cornered.
The play can be produced as dinner / theatre, or as a theatre piece.
LORD LAVENDER HEAD OF THE HOUSE AND DRUNKEN SOT
LADY ROSE LADY OF THE HOUSE AND SCATTY TWIT
MISS AMBER DAUGHTER OF THE ABOVE. A BITCH
LARRY GOLD AN OBSCENELY WEALTHY AMERICAN
BANKER BROWN LORD LAVENDER'S CROOKED BANKER
MRS EMERALD A FOUR TIMES WIDOWED CONNIVER
MISS LEMON A RETIRED SCHOOL TEACHER
BARON OXFORD BLUE A PENNILESS NOBLEMAN
SHORTY LEGGUP A JOCKEY
MAID MARION THE MAID.
JEEVES THE BUTLER
THE JOCKEY ( SHORTY LEGGUP) STAGGERS ACROSS THE STAGE AND DROPS TO
THE FLOOR. MISS AMBER ENTERS, RIGHT READING A BOOK OR MAGAZINE.
BANKER BROWN ENTERS, RIGHT WITH A GUN WITH A SILENCER. BANKER BROWN
AIMS THE GUN AT THE OBLIVIOUS MISS AMBER. AS HE FIRES, SHORTY
STAGGERS INTO THE PATH OF THE BULLET. MISS AMBER CONTINUES TO
PERAMBULATE LEFT. SHE ABSENT-MINDEDLY STEPS OVER THE BODY ON THE
FLOOR AND EXITS STILL READING. LORD LAVENDER STAGGERS ON. HE LIFTS AN
AFRICAN BLOWPIPE AND THERE IS A LOUD "PHUT" AS HE FIRES A DART AT
BANKER BROWN. THE DART MISSES BANKER BROWN AND HITS SHORTY LEGGUP.
LORD LAVENDER LURCHES OFF AS SHORTY CLUTCHES HIS SHOULDER AND
SCREAMS. BANKER BROWN EXITS. LARRY GOLD ENTERS AND GARROTTES
SHORTY WHO FALLS TO THE FLOOR. LARRY GOES OFF. LIGHTS DOWN ON THE
MAIN STAGE AREA AND UP ON SHORTY'S BEDROOM. MOONLIGHT FILTERS
THROUGH THE FRENCH WINDOWS. A DARK FIGURE SLIPS INTO THE ROOM AND
WE BRING UP THE LIGHTS TO THE POINT WHERE WE CAN JUST MAKE OUT THE
UNFORGETTABLE RIGHT PROFILE OF BARON OXFORD BLUE. HIS WHITE CAPPED
TEETH REFLECT IN THE MOONLIGHT AS HE CREEPS UP ON THE DUMMY OF
SHORTY LEGGUP A WIG BLOCK SITS ON A SHELF NEXT TO SHORTY. BARON
OXFORD BLUE COSHES THE WIG BLOCK SAVAGELY AND EXITS THROUGH THE
FRENCH WINDOWS AS LADY ROSE TIPTOES IN FROM THE WARDROBE. SHE
MOVES TO THE GAS HEATER AND THERE IS A QUIET HISS OF ESCAPING GAS AS
SHE TURNS ON THE TAPS. SHE EXITS AS LORD LAVENDER LURCHES THROUGH
THE OTHER DOOR. HE REELS DRUNKENLY AROUND THE ROOM, DEPOSITS A
WHISKY DECANTER ON THE DESK AND REELS OUT AGAIN. THE LIGHTS FADE ON
SHORTY'S BEDROOM. LIGHTS UP ON THE MAIN STAGE AREA. OXFORD BLUE
ENTERS, RIGHT. MRS. EMERALD ENTERS BEHIND HIM. SHE CARRIES AN
EXTREMELY LARGE KNIFE. SHE ATTEMPTS TO STAB OXFORD BLUE AND ONCE
AGAIN SHORTY STAGGERS TO HIS FEET JUST IN TIME TO RECEIVE THE KNIFE.
OXFORD BLUE EXITS OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND MRS EMERALD
FLEES OFF STAGE. MISS AMBER ENTERS WITH A SWORD AND RUNS SHORTY
THROUGH AND EXITS. THE LIGHTS ONCE AGAIN FADE ON THE MAIN STAGE
AREA. THEY COME UP ON THE BUTLER, JEEVES.
JEEVES SPEAKS IN A COCKNEY ACCENT WHEN ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE. HE SWITCHES TO AN
UPPER CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT WHEN ADDRESSING THE GENTRY.
Jeeves Ah tell you what, it's a crook old rap, guv'nor. Stitched me up good and proper they 'ave. Reckon I'm the one what's responsible for the demise of the champion jockey Shorty Leggup. You seen what's been going on. I didn't have nothing to do wiv it. "Ere's a bloke doin 'is 'onest best to make an 'onest quid as an 'onest butler and what 'appens? What 'appens I asks you. I gets fair stitched up by the bleedin toffs. This lump of a copper bursts into the room and says "Allo allo allo. I'm arresting you for the murder of the champion jockey Shorty Leggup." I ask you, did I have any reason to see Shorty laid out and cold? No sirs and madams. I throws myself upon your mercy. You bein of sound mind and good judgement like. There was plenty 'ere who had very good reason to do in poor old Shorty, but I weren't one of them. Not bleeding likely. I know who killed Shorty Leggup. Let me show you what happened. It all started the night before Royal Ascot. His nibs, Lord Lavender, (Lights come up on the main stage area where the guests are now present for the dinner party. They are frozen in position) that's him up there with the red face, he always puts on a posh dinner like the night before the race and invites all his cronies and the jockey what's to ride his horse the next day. I've always got me eye to the keyhole and I knows where the bodies are buried, so to speak....
JEEVES MAKES THE TRANSITION BETWEEN THE SPACE HE IS IN AND THE DINNER PARTY
Jeeves Now look at Lord Lavender here. He's a drunk and a womaniser and he couldn't lie straight in bed, he couldn't. But on the surface he's a generous host and sets a good table, but he's got it in for someone in this room, you mark my words. This is his Lordships' daughter, Miss Amber. She's a fair little tearaway is our Miss Amber and quite a handful for her parents, Lord Lavender and lady Rose. And then there's Banker Brown, or Bonker Brown as young Miss Amber calls him. Banker Brown, now, he's Lord lavender's investment adviser and controls all the wealth. Banker Brown has embezzled nearly all of his Lordship's cash. He's also having it off with our handsome young friend here, Baron Oxford Blue. Now Oxford's trying to marry Miss Amber for her money and her position in society. Oxford was born noble and poor and craves the respectability marriage into this family would bring him. Brownie here wants Oxford to run away to Majorca with him, that's why he's embezzled the dough. Banker Brown would like to see Miss Amber dead, I know that much. He needn't worry. Miss Amber won't have a bar of Oxford Blue no matter what happens. She's more interested in this bloke here. Larry Gold the Chicago millionaire. Larry has come over to Blighty to try to convince Lord Lavender to sell the famous racehorse Trotsky to him. Trotsky was to have started in the main race tomorrow ridden by the lately deceased Shorty Leggup. Lord Lavender would never consider selling Trotsky, not only because he likes the prestige of owning the greatest race horse the world has ever seen, bar Phar Lap of course, But also because he's cracker jack mates with Shorty Leggup and Shorty can't conceive of Trotsky ever being ridden by anyone but him. And what of the ladies here at this dinner party, eh? What of the ladies indeed. Lady Rose has her reasons for wanting to see Shorty Leggup dead as you'll see in a little while when I show you. Mrs. Emerald here is pretty keen on Banker Brown and reckons she can straighten him out. All he needs is the love of a good woman and he'll see the error of his ways and stop bonking Oxford Blue. She's a bit of a right old tart is our Mrs. Emerald. Been married four times to wealthy men and they all died in mysterious circumstances. Mrs Emerald wants to see Oxford Blue dead and what about Miss Lemon here? What about our sweet retired schoolmarm. Who does she want to see dead and why? Eh? We'll find that out a bit later too. Suffice it to say that no one in the room is what they seem to be on the surface. Everyone has motive to murder someone. Except me of course. I'm the only innocent party here and the law is stitching me up on the understanding that it's the butler what always does it. In this case it wasn't the butler at all. Let's get rid of these cuffs and go back in time to the dinner party earlier this evening and I'll show you who done it....
THE DINNER PARTY SUDDENLY ANIMATES WITH EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE. OVER ALL THE NOISE, WE HEAR THE BULL LIKE ROAR OF LORD LAVENDER.
Lavender Another large whisky! Jeeves... Jeeves... Confound it. Where is that damned butler?
Jeeves (Is filling Lavender's glass) Behind you, sir.
Lavender Well why aren't you in front of me where I can see you?.
Lady Rose Go to Mr Leggup's room and inform him that dinner is served and that we await his presence in the dining room.
Jeeves Yes, my Lady.
Lavender And be quick about it.
Jeeves Yes my Lord. (he exits.)
Miss Amber Oh, god, daddy. These Ascot eve dinner parties are such a bore. Why do we have to put up with them year after year
Lady Rose Don't speak to your father like that in front of the guests, Amber dear.
Miss Amber Oh fiddle faddle mummy. Every year daddy invites the same boring lot of people and we have to sit and dine with them. Peasants.
Lady Rose Don't speak to the guests like that in front of your father, dear.
Lord Lavender Another large whisky.
Oxford Blue I say, Miss Amber, that little number you're wearing looks awfully super.
Amber Fag!
Lady Rose Amber!
Amber Well he is a fag. Banker Brown is bonking him.
Banker Brown That's a lie.
Lady Rose Amber! Apologise this instant.
Amber I apologise, Banker Brown...(To Lady Rose) Oxford Blue is bonking Banker Brown.
Banker Brown I don't know why I come here year after year to be insulted by you, Miss Amber.
Amber You come because daddy has pots of money and because he pays you heaps to manage his investments.
Oxford Blue She's a little spitfire, isn't she?
Amber And you're a fag.
Lord Lavender Another large whisky.
Mrs. Emerald Now, now, Banker Brown darling. You mustn’t get yourself all upset. Come over here and sit on mumsy's knee and tell her all about it. Did nasty wasty Miss Amber upset diddums, hmmmm? Never you mind come and tell me all about it.
BANKER BROWN SITS ON MRS. EMERALD'S LAP AND PUTS HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER BREASTS.
Mrs. Emerald There's a good boy.
Miss Amber Gawd, it's enough to make you ill.
Mrs Emerald They're all just boys really. Aren't they?
Larry Say, Lord lavender, sell that goddamn horse, Trotsky to me.
Lady Rose Oh, Mr. Gold. You know my husband means no when he says no.
Larry Hell, that's the greatest living horse. Maybe the greatest horse in the history of racing and I want it. Here's a blank cheque, Lavender.
Lady Rose Lord Lavender!
Larry Lord, shmord. A blank cheque. As many noughts as you want to fill in.
Lord Lavender Another large whisky.
Lady Rose Money means nothing to us, Mister Gold. We have so much of it.
Larry Not as much as me, Hot Damn, I want that horse. As many noughts as you want, Lavender. Think about it.
Mrs. Emerald Do you really have that much money?
Larry Hell, I'm the richest man in the world, honey. I could buy and sell this goddamn country and this sucker won't sell me a horse.
Mrs. Emerald (Drops Banker Brown) Come and sit on my lap and tell me about it.
Larry I don't need to be suckled right now. (He indicates Banker Brown) That guy is a fag.
BANKER BROWN CLIMBS BACK ONTO MRS. EMERALD'S LAP AND ONCE MORE PUTS HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER BREASTS.
Oxford Blue Oh, I say. Don't be beastly to poor Brownie.
Larry Browneye? (To Banker Brown) How can you do that? You call yourself a man?
Oxford Blue Oh, you horrid, unfeeling cretin. You take that back.
Larry You want to do something about it, Nancy boy, you step outside.
Oxford Blue Beast.
Larry How about it, Lavender. Sell me that nag Trotsky and I'll set him for the Kentucky Derby next year. He's the greatest thing on four hoofs.
Lord Lavender Another large whisky.
Lady Rose Now, now, Mister Gold You know my husband will never consider selling Trotsky as long as Shorty Leggup is still around to ride him. Why, I believe Shorty would die if he couldn't ride that horse and... (seductively) he rides so well!
Larry I'd kill to get my hands on that nag!
JEEVES APPEARS AT THE GALLOP.
Jeeves Sir! Sir....
Lord Lavender Another large whisky.
Jeeves Something dreadful has happened.
Lord Lavender ANOTHER LARGE WHISKY.
Lady Rose Oh, Jeeves, get him his whisky before you tell him what's happened. He'll only get upset otherwise.
JEEVES POURS LORD LAVENDER A FULL GLASS OF WHISKY FROM THE DECANTER.
Jeeves It's Mister Leggup, sir.
Lady Rose What about Mister Leggup, Jeeves.
Jeeves I went to his room as instructed by your Ladyship and upon arriving at the room....
Larry Get on with it for god's sake.
Oxford Blue Beast!
Miss Amber Fag!
Banker Brown Bitch!
Jeeves Well, sir, madam, assembled guests, when I arrived at Mr. Leggup's room, nobody was there.
Larry And that's your big announcement, huh. You arrived at Shorty Leggup's room and he wasn't there.
Jeeves Oh, there's more to it than that, sir. Much more.
Larry Then spit it out, man. Get to the goddamn point.
Jeeves I looked around the house, sir, thinking that Mister Leggup might be in the smoking room or perhaps on one of the verandahs taking the early evening air....
Larry Yes, yes, yes.
Jeeves To cut a long story short my Lord and Lady, sirs and madams, I eventually found Mister Leggup in the rose garden.
Larry Then get him in here. We're already half an hour late for dinner and my stomach feels like my throat's been cut.
Oxford Blue Pity your stomach isn't correct.
Larry Fag!
Banker Brown Cretin.
Lord lavender Another large whisky!
JEEVES FILLS THE GLASS LAVENDER HAS RAISED ABOVE HIS HEAD FROM THE DECANTER AS HE GOES ON SPEAKING.
Jeeves Indeed I wish I could get Mister Leggup to come in for dinner, sir. But I'm afraid that is not possible.
Larry Why? Why can't this goddamn jockey just come into the dining room like the rest of us.
Jeeves Shorty Leggup is... Well I'm afraid he's... You see he's...
Larry What? For god's sake...What?
MUSIC FX
Jeeves Dead, sir.
LIGHTNING & THUNDER FX.
LADY ROSE SCREAMS AND FAINTS.
Miss Amber How thrilling.
Mrs. Emerald Murder! Murder most foul..
Jeeves Oh, I didn't say he was murdered, Madam, just that he is dead.
Mrs. Emerald Oh, but I mean it's obvious, I mean if he was found in the garden....
Larry He probably died of an overdose of pansies.
Oxford Blue Beast.
Banker Brown Cretin.
Larry Fags.
Lord Lavender Another large whisky!
JEEVES ONCE MORE DOES THE HONOURS.
Jeeves But you are right, madam. Shorty Leggup, ace jockey, has indeed been....
MUSIC FX
Jeeves ....murdered.
Banker Brown Who the Dickens is going to ride Trotsky tomorrow? I've got ten thousand pounds of your... err... my money on him.
Miss Amber I say, a murder in our very own home. Daddy, how exciting.
Lady Rose Send for the constabulary.
Jeeves I took the liberty of telephoning for them as soon as I discovered the body, your Ladyship.
Miss Lemon Well I for one feel quite sure I know who the murderer is.
Larry Gold Yeah?
Miss Lemon Certainly! In cases like these it's always the butler.
THUNDER & LIGHTNING FX. THE DINNER PARTY BURSTS INTO WAFFLE THEN FREEZES IN POSITION AS JEEVES COMES DOWN TO ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.
Jeeves There it was. The first mention that I might be the guilty party. My mind was racing. How to answer this unfounded allegation. I cursed Agatha Christie and decided on a neat reply.
THE DINNER PARTY RE-ANIMATES. EVERYONE IS TALKING AT ONCE
WHO IS THE GUILTY PARTY? Will they hang Jeeves by default? After all, we all know the butler is always guilty, or is he.
Get in touch if you'd like to read more of this very funny play; first produced in the Grand Ballroom of the Adelaide Hyatt Hotel for the Adelaide Casino for their High Rollers and for their clubs thereafter.
(08) 8 327 4142
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